Too nice?

“You’re too nice of a person”

 

These words were said to me late last week. Just made me think about it all & laugh a little. A good friend of mine pretty much told me those words. Not because it’s a compliment, but because apparently it’s why most of my relationships have failed. I thought that being the “nice” guy kept relationships going? Made them last long? I must be living in a parrallel universe then lol. Do women really prefer a jerk or a douchebag attitude these days over someone with morals? You got me.

 

Okay, so these words did make me think of my past relationships. In hindsight, I HIGHLY doubt this was the case. When looking back at a true bulk of them (only ones that were a good 6 months-plus), I have been with a colorful cast of characters it seems, & I use that term “colorful” loosely. My longest relationship ended 8 years ago, when the girl pretty much became the online bicycle inviting anyone & everyone she chatted with to meet up with her & get a ride while I was in college. Got wind of it, got the hell out of Dodge. Definitely wasn’t a case of being the “nice” guy there. I was pretty much a victim of the “trophy” boyfriend issue as well before. In other words, only being treated as I mattered when THAT person wanted to show me off when it was convenient for them. Than there was the psycho broad 4 years ago. We’ve all had that one in our lifetime, one who pretty much does anything for attention, like threatening to harm themselves not because they suffer from mental issues, but because they are looking for attention due to you having a prior engagement & not postponing the important issue for them. And we don’t need to get into the last relationship, for obvious reasons as we know the story there.

 

All serious relationships, all ones I got out of. But was I too “nice”? As stated before, this might be a guy who has moments where random dirty jokes fly out of my mouth, swear constantly, but I am who I am because I have morals, standards. Not high ones, but ones built upon a rock of life. I stand by those. If people can’t understand that, oh well. We’re all human. I just choose to build my life upon a foundation of rock, not of sand. Build your life on sand, & it shall sink. Build it upon a rock, & your strengths will persevere through time.

I’m lucky to be living right now

I’m lucky to be typing this today.

 

No, really…I’m lucky to be typing this today. Three weeks ago, I might have not seen today. There could have been a possibility that my life might have ended between January 27th, and today. Or even the chance that it might have been on the verge of slowly ending.

 

WHY am I saying this? Well first, let me backtrack to January 26th. 2:35 in the morning.

 

For starters, my kidneys were in a slight amount of pain that morning. But the most pain was closer to my abdomen, more along the lower area. Slightly swollen. It had been like that before, but not as bad as it was that day. Ever. Being that early in the morning, I couldn’t call in to work, as nobody was there until the three openers (myself one of them), arrived. Luckily, it was a short shift that morning & I told myself “I’ll see how it goes after I get out, go from there”. I only had until 12:30 until I had to go to my other job. After getting out, I was fine for a while, but then it started to bother me. and not just a small amount…quite a bit. Taking no chances, I went to urgent care.

 

Arriving there, it was a case of that bothersome swollen lump in that certain area and my kidneys. 45 minutes later, the doctor saw me. Not as much worried about the kidneys (because let’s face it, if you have kidney pains…cranberry juice can help only SOOOOOO much), the doctor saw me and said those words you dread to hear… “Get over to the ER right now”.

 

Inguinal hernia was the diagnosis. Nothing easy to just pop back into place either. Surgery was required, but they waited until the next morning to do so.

 

Now the surgery itself was ridiculous. Anesthesia took quite a while to kick in, and once I was knocked out…I didn’t want to wake up. Oh, I did when I was in recovery…but, I kept drifting between the awake and unconscious zone.

 

My doctor told me some things though, that made me think about life. This hernia problem that I had, was really bad. A nice gash right below my intestine that caused it to drop down and wrap itself around my lower regions (I’m trying to keep this clean peeps). And in the process, it was trying to close up while the intestine had dropped down there. Seal the gap, cause the intestine to shut and lose functions and form a blockage. In other words, had I not gone to get it checked out, things could have been much worse than they originally were, and would have been.

 

I avoided death, and did so by getting it checked when I felt it was too much to handle.

 

The last 3 weeks have been struggles indeed. Almost 2 weeks to not walk hunched over. Walking is at an awkward stance due to my surgery (that swelling in the area that was operated on hurts like a mofo yo, walking straight causes pain still). Normal house stairs take 2 minutes for me to walk up instead of the normal 30 seconds. My normal routines for the moment involve just putting dishes away one at a time and sitting down to fold laundry. Bending down? Yeah, right. That’s taking longer to do due to the healing process…I can’t even bend down to pick my 5 pound dog up, that’s how crazy it is! No bending down, no heavy lifting (surprisingly, my pommie is too much at 5 pounds though, don’t get it).

 

But pretty much, I’m lucky to be typing this today. Still some small pain from recovery, but lucky to be blogging this. If you ever feel anything strange or any sort of pain, don’t wait until the last minute to go to urgent care people, it may be too late before you know it.

Just simple pondering

We all have moments in life we ponder, it is a part of life, and it is a part of growing up and becoming what we all know of as “being an adult”. Nearing 30 and the prime of my life, having Asperger’s I have struggled to find a niche and try to make light of subjects so I could grow as a human being. One thing that has helped me in more ways than one, is this blog in general. Designed as a “shoot” blog, speaking my mind and my opinions on topics, life, subjects, anything really.

One question to ponder, when we love in relationships, but others don’t love or have feeling TO love, do we continue to care and reach out? Is it wrong to do so? Maybe certain people that are in my life don’t love me, or never have, or struggled to try to and weren’t able to reach that plateau, but is it necessary to make one feel wrong for feeling something or trying to? If it isn’t, then it isn’t, it is just something we have to agree to disagree and move on to the next step in life. Maybe people in my life were never in love from the start, or at any point, but another thing to ponder…someone says the 3 magic words for 6 months, is it because they truly do, or are they hiding behind a mask, not to make one feel hurt that they cannot comprehend the feeling one might consider love?

Another question to ponder, what is manipulation in a sense? The skillful handling, or controlling of someone or using someone is the official dictionary definition we are taught. If you tell someone you care about them…is that manipulation? No. If you say to them that you would feel lost if they weren’t in your life…manipulation? For years, we were taught this is okay by society, but according to psychological standards and practices, apparently this is no longer the case or the norm. Apparently, did you know this is considered abusive and manipulative language? You didn’t? Neither did I…this is new news to me, and I watch the news and keep up with current events as much as I can, how did I not see this one??

And to my friends out there reading, apparently don’t ever say that “if we were to not be together, I would feel hurt and broken” either. Same boat as the other brought up. Showing love and saying things that normal people almost always do, is now considered bad by society and makes you seem controlling. Wow…who would have thought that those only just recently with a piece of paper from a University that make you shell out 75 smackarooskis would change society’s way of views, or is it a skewed view only few wish to see?

Another thing to ponder, when you are spending time with someone you care about, are you with them because it’s out of your own free will, or is that manipulation too? Do you enjoy building something strong, do you enjoy having fun with them? OR the big question to ponder, are you there with them…because family sees happiness inside of you? Is it “pressuring” if family knows best and sees a 180 inside of you for the better with someone that does that to you? Because they say how much your life has gotten better because of them…is that “pressure” to stay with someone?

There is always a door to exit, a door to leave. If things are going rough, not going well…just get out. Maybe someone will get emotional if it happens, maybe not, it’s not manipulation if one sheds a tear for something like this, it’s normal for us to do, especially if things seemed strong, and worked out. Words might be said, maybe they won’t. These types of things cause a fight all the time. To quote a country song “There ain’t no good guy, and there ain’t no bad guy. It’s just you and me, and we just disagree”.

And if one is confused over the situation, the next thing to ponder…do we make them hurt more than they are? Do we tell them they have no right to be confused or question things as you don’t love them and never had emotions towards one? No, let them be confused, explain it, and if it still confuses the person, than so be it. Anyone on the Autism spectrum, Aspergers or not, we all have our moments of confusion. And sometimes, maybe emotions are hard for us to understand, or simple things, but it’s not something we attack one for. And if they say something on social media about being confused, and someone comments saying they feel bad or that you can do better…is it right for the other to hate someone for doing that or allowing people to say that? It definitely seems like because of social media, people do tend to take things a lot more seriously and to heart than they would have 10-15 years ago.

Gotta bring this one up as it happened to me the other day too. One of my social media pages was hacked into, someone posted something on a page, it wasn’t me, but I got chewed up for it. Swore up and down, as others got stuff I never said either on their page that I came to find out, and person believed me. I went as far as to change my password and information! THEN, here’s another something to ponder…same person told me to screw off, because a few days later I did comment on something, and then they felt the urge to go off!

Anyone who knows me knows I am a good friend and will always be loyal no matter the situation, one of the best friends people can have. I mean well, and even if I struggle to see something and get confused, I always mean well no matter what. YES, I was hurt and felt crushed by a situation that took place this weekend, and at the time it happened, felt confused too as I truly had feelings, but it is something I am over, and got over quick in the last 24 hours or so. And I can only offer friendship, but it can only go over so much. But being able to talk about things civilly, and calm, are 2 key things in this world we need to do as they call, “be adult”. Blowing up on people for asking questions, accusing others of things they never did, is not adulting in this world, neither is scolding one for confusion and having a hard time understanding the situation. Talking it over, discussing it, and clearing the air so to speak, is adulting though.

Life itself: A 2 edged sword, and pride

This is my pipe bomb, my Hard Times, my peace of mind. A journey to the center of the craziness that is LR if ya willlll…..sweet mercy, even when I try to talk normal, it feels like a wrestling promo….I watch it too much!

There is a lot of things in the past several months that I have came to realize. 29 years it took for me to see the light. When you think you have seen it all, heard it all, there is always a different truth that shows when you least expect it. Life as we know it, tends to show us true colors, hidden agendas, and deal us swords. Some of them two-edged. The world is a sword, waiting to stab, waiting to be swung. One thing I wonder about life….people who try to preach the good word, claim kindness is the answer (no, this isn’t me folks, I am a kind person, have my quirks, but keep best interests at heart), but don’t deliver the kindness in return? How can one be all about positivity, when the reaction is borderline curmudgeon then? Two-edged sword! When people in this life ask for you to turn it up to 11, but yet still don’t hear that one louder, a foot away, is it because they can’t? Or is it the selective hearing process all together, choosing not to or whom they hear? And turning words into negativity? Two-edged sword!

Having struggled most of my life, learning disabilities have made things impossible for me to notice. Very little comes my way, but I have taken everything in stride….is that wrong? Having Tourettes, I my mind sometimes swears up a storm for no reason, or even causes me to have neck tics, eye tics, facial tics….is that wrong? Having Aspergers, a form of the Autism spectrum, brings me to certain focuses.

When I zoom in, oh lord, do I zoom the fuck in. My mind is one-track, my focus is on one thing, one goal…to get something accomplished (or the occasional in-depth music review or pro wrestling history, that’s for another time lol). Sometimes I focus too much, that I lose notice of my surroundings, but is that wrong?

People giving me death glances because my focus is on what is in front of me, a huge part of the two-edged sword deal. Being an Aspie has its good sides, like that focus, but the bad side being losing focus and being stared at with the death glare. When you struggle to learn, reach out for help, answers, etc., and nobody wants to lend that helping hand, the answers never there when needed for you, but for others in plain sight….is that wrong?

And don’t get me started on people in this world talking to you like you are stupider than they are just because I might forget something or am not up to speed on something. I might have a form of Autism, but please, for the love of God, I am not in any way, shape, or form, stupid, dumb, lower than you on the totem pole, or even the “R” word.

I am who I am, and I am me. No ego trips here, no favorites, no gimmicks needed, just good ‘ol LR. I might not be every other 29 year old in life. Maybe I struggle to be where I want to be, maybe life has been a rocky road, but there are two things that I have that I know I can count on the most when I can’t count on anything else (well, three if you count my voice of reason, shout out time…luv ya babe!).

The first thing I can count on, is my faith. Maybe I don’t speak much about it, but I do believe God has his ways. There is a plan for everyone, and a plan for everything. It might take a short time, it might take a while (or in my case, still going in some parts). The other thing I have is my pride. No matter the trials, the tribulations, good times, hard times….my pride is what gets me through all I have encountered. I will never sacrifice who I am to become someone I am not, stick to my guns all situations blazing. Is that wrong? The one side of the blade may say yes, but the other side, my side, will never say that. Never say die, never say quit, never give up.

And if that is wrong, then I am glad I will be right and true to myself.

One year later….

A year ago today, one week after Black Friday 2013, there was a black Friday of my own in my house that tore me apart, and even to this day still does. It was the day one of the most loving, caring pets in my life left me. I had lost dogs before, 6 years prior when my golden Rusty passed in my arms, but last year it was really rough to see Monty pass away.

You see, the backstory…we got Monty from the animal shelter August 2009. A pommie who was full of life. It took him up until I went back to school for my last year of college for him to take a liking to me, but he was a good boy. Whenever he heard fighting among my parents, he would run to me and hide. And oh how he loved to hide! We would find him in the most peculiar spots, burrowing himself in a blanket and making it so his nose poked out from one of the corners. The dog was just funny in his own special way and was full of life. And then within a matter of 6 days, that life just teetered off.

The Sunday before he died, we could tell he wasn’t himself. Going outside to go potty and not doing anything until he came inside, the lack of wanting to do much. There was something wrong and we took him to the vet the next day, had a tumor removed from his ass. The vet told us he had a form of cancer that had gone right to his heart and that he might not make it for another 5-10 days. The next day, he didn’t want to stand up, didn’t want to eat, drink…nothing. He lost control of his bodily functions and needed doggie diapers. From Tuesday until Friday, I only saw him get up once, to run to the kitchen table and just pee away like he normally did when he was upset. And he refused to eat, we had to give him doggie formula in a small bottle, which he drank up, but you could tell he didn’t want to do that.

And then, 365 days ago was the day that put me over the edge. Everyone had to work, and we all were wondering how Monty was going to be. I left at 8:30 that morning and saw him on his favorite pillow, lying there. He had a flash of that smile I loved so much, and he did what I called his doggie laugh, where he smiled and just did something that resembled a laugh. He was going to pull though. I told him to hang in there & that brother would be home soon to give him love…

3 pm arrives. I had to drop something off and then I arrived home & walked in the door. I saw mom bent down near the pillow calling Monty’s name…his tongue hanging out of his mouth, just lying there motionless. He passed between the time I left and the time I got home. I burst into tears, & it was just hard to deal with. That entire weekend I just wanted to be left alone, my heart was crushed into a thousand pieces. It hurt even the most because our black lab kept looking for him and gave me the sad dog eyes because she knew he wasn’t there.

Two days after Monty passed away, we got a puppy named Dante. He is special in his own way, but there will never be another Monty. He was one of a kind. A year later & his death still brings me to tears thinking of him and his last days alive.